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I have had countless conversations on the topics of dating and relationships with people who are in all phases of life. Men, women, boys, girls, single, married, divorced and everything in between.
When you really stop to listen and pay attention, there are many lessons to be taken away from these interactions. Insights into the thoughts and feelings of others, as well as the ability to reflect on your own.
Some of these include varying degrees of what could be considered self-sabotage. Of course, many of us have been jaded along the way, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or unappreciated. This can permeate a new relationship, as we have a hard time letting go of the damage from the old.
It is important that we stay positive and true to ourselves in order to find a happy relationship. Here are five common mindsets that could be keeping you from finding the happiness you deserve.
You are expecting to find the “perfect relationship.”
While, needless to say, the perfect relationship doesn’t actually exist, I feel that many people are becoming less and less likely to be willing to put the required work and effort into building something alongside a teammate. They are walking away at the first sign of difficulty, and it is preventing deep, meaningful relationships from actually developing.
No matter how easy and carefree myself or anyone else makes it sound like a relationship is, there are always going to be challenges you face. But, that’s what makes you and your partner stronger together. It’s what bonds you together as you overcome these obstacles as a team. It is what it means to be truly committed to the person you love.
You have not yet recognized your own self worth.
Relationships are not only about finding the right person to be with, they are also about being the right person to be with. For many of us, we do not just wake up one day and instantly become that person. We need to put in the time and effort to develop ourselves accordingly.
The bottom line is that “we accept the love we think we deserve,” and you get to decide what you deserve. Someone’s inability to see your value does not make you any less valuable, that’s why it’s called self worth. It’s up to you, not them.
If you do not feel like you truly deserve to be happy, you will always find yourself sabotaging the situations which can bring it to you. Stop being the victim, and start being the victor.
You are actually scared of finding happiness.
I remember a long time ago people used to talk to me about the concept of being scared of becoming successful. I never really understood what they meant, how could you be scared of success? How could you be scared of happiness?
Both success and happiness require risk. They require much more risk than mediocrity or just settling. Taking the safe path through the woods. Living a ‘beige’ life. And, it can be scary. It can be scary to think of falling for someone who does not fall for you in return. It can be scary to imagine giving too much to someone without them giving in return. But, without risk, there is no reward.
Fortune favors the bold, not just in life, but also in love.
You never think the timing is right.
Life gets crazy, we all get busy, and it becomes difficult to imagine shifting around our schedule in order to accommodate that of a whole other person in order to build a relationship with them.
The timing isn’t right, but you will be able to focus more after you reach your next goal. Or, after you make this deadline. Or, after your new assistant gets hired.
Whatever it may be, there is always an excuse that seems to keep us from doing what it is that we really want to do. “Someday” is not a day of the week, and it never actually shows up on the calendar. There is no perfect moment, but what there is, is the ability to take the moment and make it perfect.
There will be no wrong timing when you find the right person, but you need to be open to them coming into your life.
You are jaded.
This is maybe the most common reason I hear from people about why they do not want to date anymore. They have been burned in the past and have felt unappreciated, which I mentioned earlier. They don’t think there are any good people left in the world. No good men, and no good women. All men are jerks, and all women are crazy.
After one, two, or twenty disappointments, it is natural to become worn down and discouraged, but keeping your hope alive is the only missing piece to finding the person you are meant to be with.
There is no predicting when or where you will meet the person you fall in love with. You may be reading this article on your phone and bump into them on the street. You might be in line behind them in the coffee shop. You might meet them at a party. But, if you are too jaded to give them a chance when they do come along, you risk letting them get away forever.
While it may be a risk to put yourself out there and chase after happiness, it is far less of a risk than spending the rest of your life wishing you had.
This article originally appeared on JamesMSama.com.
You can follow James on Twitter at @JamesMSama
James Michael Sama is an award winning Boston based blogger on the topics of dating and relationships, having amassed over 30 million readers in just a year and a half. He writes and speaks on the topics of chivalry, romance, and happiness throughout the country and has been featured repeatedly in news segments, talk shows, and mainstream radio.
James’ mission is to bring dignity back to dating and relationships by reinstilling these values that are sorely lacking in modern times. James is also currently working on his first book.
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Love and Relationships
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The Gentleman’s Advantage: Why The Gentleman Is The New Bad Boy, And How To Become One
by James Michael Sama, Eric Snyder